April, 2004

Many parents ask for help in talking to their children. Parents want to know how to get their children to open up so that they know what is going on with them, but also to become more involved in their lives. One ofll best tools I can 5u open the lines of communication is to have family meetings. Getting into the habit of regular family meetings takes time. Making the meetings work takes effort. Your children may be resistant and you may be uncomfortable in such a formal -setting. Here a some ways to help you incorporate this tool into your parenting skills.

Meet at a regular time. This time might be once a week or once every other week. Don’t meet for longer than 20 — 30 minutes. Any longer and the meeting becomes a burden for everyone.

Make a list of topics. This is similar to an agenda. Post this list on the refrigerator so that everyone comes to the meeting knowing what to expect. No one likes to be blindsided! Allow everyone to add items to the list to be discussed. This lets everyone know that all issues can be discussed and each person in the family is important.

Plan the time. Initially, parents need to be in charge of this. Look at the meeting list. Decide which items you will discuss and stick to the time limit. After you have been meeting a while, let the children take turns planning the meeting.

Take turns being the leader. The leader reads the list and keeps things on track. Letting everyone have a chance to be the leader again lets everyone know that each person in the family is important. You might have to help the little children, but that is okay.

Take notes. Write down any agreements and plans made in the meeting. Take turns writing down things. Post them on the refrigerator so others wilt keep in mind what happened at the meeting.

Let everyone take part. Let the younger children speak first. This helps them to feel responsible.

If someone hasn’t talked, ask, ‘What do you think?”
If someone talks too much, stay respectful. You could say, ‘it sounds like this is important. We need to hear how everybody feels about it.”
If someone is not showing respect, use an I-message: ‘When I hear name- calling, I get the feeling that we won’t be able to cooperate.”

Limit complaining. Too much complaining turns a meeting into a gripe session. This creates problems. It won’t help families enjoy each other. If complaining is a problem, switch into a problem solving mode and ask, “What can we do about . . ..7’ How can we solve the problem?” Remember to listen for feelings and to share yours. When problems arise, explore alternatives.

Do what you agree to do. Stick to agreements until the next meeting. If people want
to change or eliminate an agreement, they can do it then. All members of the family, children, teenagers and parents are expected to do what was agreed upon at the meeting.

What if you forget and break an agreement? What if one day you don’t have time to do something you agreed to? Tell your family you are sorry. Say you will work to do a better job. A teenager might forget or not have time too. No one is perfect. You will be teaching your children many lessons.

If broken agreements continue, make a “work before fun” rule: Before people do fun activities, chores need to be done. The rule applies to parents as well as teens and younger children.

Take time for fun. Meetings are a good way to solve problems and choose chores. But that is not the only thing they are good for. To add fun to your meetings, talk about good things. Thank each person for some help during the week. Ask each person to do the same thing. Ask people to talk about what is good for them right now. This sets the tone for a positive meeting. It also teaches your children to encourage other people and themselves.

At the meeting, plan together to do something you all enjoy. You might plan to make home-made pizza on Sunday night. Maybe you will plan to watch a football game on TV. Sometimes make fun time right after the meeting.

        Family meetings can be fun, productive and great ways to increase communication within a family. Don’t be discouraged if you encounter resistance the first time you suggest a meeting. Don’t give up. As time goes on, family meetings will become a welcome addition to everyone in your family.

        On a personal note, our first family meetings were held in a restaurant. This helped us all to “respect” each other by not losing control with each and keeping our voices down. It also prevented anyone from leaving when discussions were difficult. As my girls became teenagers, and our family meetings continued, we were often asked by their friends if they could attend our meetings. While we were flattered, we were never tempted. This time became important to each of us as our special time. For those of us that lead very busy lives, this could be the only time your family sits down and talks to each other.

If you decide that family meetings are something you would like to try and would like to talk to me, please call me at 424-9659. I would be glad to speak with you and answer any questions.

Dr. Deborah F. Nastasi

School Psychologist